I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Namaste
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.