I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
You Might Also Like
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy