H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”