facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Miscakes
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?