Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Meow
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit