Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience