I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You Might Also Like
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.