A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Van Gone
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.