“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
felt that
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
A roof is a house hat.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
my first day as a raccoon
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.