Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.