Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.