What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Where is your GOD now????