Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
October already? What’s next? November????
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…