I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house