i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The prophecy is fulfilled
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
i think we should see other cousins
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys