“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?