Yeah. This was me today.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!