Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.