me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[eulogy]
line?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.