HOW DARE YOU
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies