2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
want me to check your oil?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone