Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
nice challenge
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.