Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.