You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.