i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.