When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
You Might Also Like
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.