Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
You Might Also Like
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.