Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
This was the best day of my life
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
the last thing a carrot sees
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.