How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die