employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
my mind
You just read my mind
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more