[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out