I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.