They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Happy Febuary everyone!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I have obtained a hat
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.