Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt