I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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This headline is a thing of beauty
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that