Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works