Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Forever 21… pounds overweight
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.