Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.