[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
There are usually two types of merchants.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.