WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.