I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead