Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You Might Also Like
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.