The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.