Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
bout dat hot dog summer
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The Compass
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?