Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
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everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”