It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Cats are still liquid.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Bro what is this
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies