doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
#Caturday
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal