My life coach traded me.
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Essential oils? You mean WD40?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
based al yankovic
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”