Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.