If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
You Might Also Like
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas